Picture this: You give clear instructions in a meeting. Everyone nods. You assume things are understood. But later, nothing gets done—or it’s done half-heartedly, without ownership. So, you follow up. Still, the response feels flat.
You wonder, “Why aren’t they doing it?”
They wonder, “Why don’t you listen to us?”
Here’s the deeper issue: They didn’t feel heard. And therefore, they weren’t open to hearing you either. What they need is to know they were truly considered. When people don’t feel heard, even the best instructions feel imposed. And the brain resists what feels imposed.
One of the most active tools of influence, from a neuroscience perspective, is listening. It’s not just how we understand people—it’s how we encourage them to act. More importantly, it’s how we ensure that what they do benefits them and strengthens the relationship. Let’s break this down.
I. Understanding Why People Act: The Neuroscience of Motivation
The human brain is designed to act when it detects one of two signals:
- Threat – “I must do this or something bad will happen.”
- Reward – “I want to do this because something good will happen.”
These are mediated by different systems:
- Threat (cortisol, adrenaline) → triggers quick, reactive behavior, doesn’t improve relationships.
- Reward (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin) → triggers sustained, self-motivated behavior and builds relationships.
So yes, people can be pushed. They’ll meet deadlines, attend meetings, complete tasks—but they’ll do it out of pressure, not engagement. Neuroscientifically, this is the equivalent of a short-term survival strategy. It reduces prefrontal cortex activity (thinking, creativity, long-term planning), and increases amygdala activity (fight, flight, freeze).
But if we want people to do something because they feel encouraged, we need the reward system activated, ad the gate to that is listening .
II. Encouragement Begins with Being Heard
The first step to encouraging anyone is not talking—it’s listening.
Why? Because being heard is interpreted by the brain as social safety. In fact, MRI studies show that social exclusion activates the same brain regions as physical pain, particularly the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC). On the other hand, being genuinely listened to activates reward regions, like the ventral striatum and medial prefrontal cortex—a signal that says: you matter.
Example:
Imagine an employee named Sara who’s hesitant to lead a project. If her manager jumps in with a pep talk—”You can do it!”—without asking questions, Sara may feel pressured but not supported. If instead the manager says, “Tell me what’s making you hesitate,” and listens attentively, Sara’s brain begins to relax. She feels heard., even if her boss cant give her everything she needs. That safety makes her more open to new ideas.
III. Why Listening Precedes Influence
Listening earns attention. And neuroscience confirms that attention is a limited resource, managed by the Reticular Activating System (RAS). The RAS decides what the brain should focus on. When someone listens to us deeply, our RAS marks them as important.
So, if you want someone to later listen to you, you must first listen to them.
This mutual attention creates what Daniel Coyle calls “belonging cues”—signals that say, “You’re safe here, and what you say matters.” These cues reduce defensive thinking and enhance oxytocin levels, which is key for trust.
IV. Listening Gives You the Keys: Fears, Needs, Sensitivities, Interests
When we listen deeply, ask to understand:
- Fears – What do they want to avoid?
- Needs – What do they lack or value?
- Sensitivities – What triggers emotional discomfort or shame?
- Interests – What excites them?
These four categories are processed differently in the brain:
- Fears activate the amygdala (threat detector).
- Needs are linked to the insula and ventromedial prefrontal cortex (subjective value and emotion).
- Sensitivities often involve social brain areas, such as the temporo-parietal junction (TPJ).
- Interests light up dopaminergic circuits, especially in the striatum.
When you know these, you can frame your message in a way that aligns with what matters to them.
V. Encouragement = Alignment with What Matters to Them
People are most encouraged when what they’re asked to do:
- Helps avoid a fear
- Fulfills a need
- Respects their sensitivity
- Aligns with their interest
This doesn’t mean manipulation. It means alignment.
VI. Practical Tools for Neuroscience-Based Listening
Let’s now turn listening from concept to action. Here are tools that support brain-friendly listening and influence:
1. Attentive Silence
- 3–5 seconds of silence after someone speaks increases the chance they say something more vulnerable.
- Encourages access to emotional language, which boosts limbic system–PFC connectivity.
2. Labeling Emotions
- “Sounds like you’re frustrated.”
- Validates their internal state → activates ventromedial PFC, reducing amygdala activity.
3. Summarize and Reflect
- Reflect back what you heard: “So, if I understand you, your main concern is…”
- Engages mirror neuron system → builds trust, increases perception of being heard.
4. Ask Autonomy-Boosting Questions
- “What would make this easier for you?”
- Autonomy is a powerful motivator;
VII. The Biology of Encouragement: What Happens in the Brain?
When someone is encouraged, the following typically occurs:
- Dopamine increases → anticipation of positive outcome.
- Oxytocin increases → feeling of trust and bonding.
- Cortisol decreases → less perceived threat.
- Prefrontal cortex activates → better decision-making and planning.
Contrast this with “being told what to do,” which can raise resistance, freeze responses, or even passive-aggression.
VIII. Final Thought: Listening Is Influence
Let’s end with the core message:
Listening is not a detour on the road to action. It is the road.
When we listen, we don’t just collect information.
We earn attention.
We learn what matters.
We align our goals with theirs.
And we encourage them to act in ways that are voluntary, brain-supported, and relationship-strengthening.
